What I’m… (101st Post Edition)

So before I regale you with my recommendations fit for media consumption I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who’s been reading and supporting the blog. We’re 101 posts in and have had almost 1000 hits, so for a guy who didn’t know a blog from a byte six months ago, I consider that a success. In the coming months look for more pics and videos on the blog and possibly some guest columns from some fellow self loathing pop culture fanatics. Thanks again and keep spreading the word.

What I’m…Surfing.
Bill Simmons NBA Draft Diary X on ESPN Page 2- Simmons is generally good for a laugh but this column is the kind that should be framed and posted for “real” journalists and bloggers alike. I myself was contemplating doing a draft post myself on Wednesday night but thankfully I passed because nothing could top this.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/060629

What I’m…Watching.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia- I’ve got to acknowledge my friend James who told me I had to tune in to this show Thursdays 9pm CST on FX. I’ve been led astray by James’ recommendations in the past and had pretty much already forgotten about this one when I flipped past the show last night. After laughing non stop until a commercial break I quickly set up the DVR to record the encore presentation and then stayed up after the fake news hour to watch it. I’m a sucker for dialogue that sounds true to life and that’s what struck me about this show. These characters not only sound like real people but they remind me of people I know especially after they’ve had a few cocktails. Is it ground breaking TV? No. Is it for everyone? Hell no! It is however, a funny fucking show that will hit the mark for anyone in the 22-35 crowd who’s got memories of doing absolutely idiotic things when they’re drunk with their friends.

What I’m…Renting.
Justice League Season 2- After watching a special on the old Max Fleischman Superman cartoons this week I was struck at how much of the Bruce Timm animated universe (Batman, Batman Beyond, Superman, and Justice League) has grown from Fleischman’s style. Season 2 of Justice League is light years ahead of season 1. The stories are deeper and darker and the art matches the tone. You can see seeds planted in season 2 that have effects three years later on the Justice League Unlimited series. And you have an episode filled with more sexual innuendo than the Howard Stern show when the Green Lantern is trained to use his powers via a method that calls to mind the karma sutra. A great season and highly recommended.

What I’m…Embarrassed to Admit I’m Watching.
Hell’s Kitchen- Last year I ended up watching a good chunk of this series as Gordon Ramsey yelled his way through 12 contestants until one was left standing with a new restaurant. It was mindless summer entertainment and as a food lover I was easily able to justify watching it to myself. Now we’re in the midst of a second season and there seems to be a glaring difference. This season’s contestants can’t cook. I kid you not, 3 different “chefs” have had instances where they didn’t know if their oven was on or not. In the first season you actually got caught up in seeing the winning chef realize their dream but this season I’m worried the winning chef will burn down any restaurant they win.

What I’m…Listening To.
Top 5 on My iPod
1. Is It Any Wonder- Keane (I’m really enjoying this band even though the comparisons to Coldplay make me a little queasy.)
2. Who Cares- Gnarls Barkley (It wouldn’t be a What I’m…column without the Gnarls.)
3. Maneater- Nelly Furtado (It’s not a true cover of the old Hall and Oates track but then again I’m pretty sure that’s for the better.)
4. Ain’t No Other Man- Christina Aguilera (Picture me listening to this song and doing some in-car dancing as I drive by semis on the interstate. Okay now that I’ve scarred you for life, let me just say this song really does show the former teen queen evolve out of her Dirrrrrrty days.)
5. Total Eclipse of the Heart- The Dan Band (Here’s a true cover and one that improves on the original by shaving off about 9 minutes from the original’s running time and adding a boatload of cu

Break Ups, Make Ups and Shake Ups

Break Ups- Sad to say but Sleater Kinney, one of the most consistently interesting bands of the last 11 years, is calling it quits. 1997’s Dig Me Out is one of those records that will always be ingrained in my mental jukebox thanks to music and the memories I associate with it. Last year’s The Woods was one of the most critically acclaimed albums of the year and showed that while the trio explored different musical territory they stayed true to their pop rock roots. They’re going out on top with a big gig at Lollapalooza in Chicago on August 4th and while the break up is sad news I say thanks for the memories and we’ll see you on Bands Reunited around 2014.

Make Ups- Get ready Luke and Laura fans, Genie Francis is returning to General Hospital. As a casual daytime TV fan this reconciliation comes as a huge surprise. Four years ago when Francis left GH it seemed like it was for good. While the writers were smart enough to leave the character alive, Francis made it very clear that unless the story (i.e. money) was right she’d never return. Well perhaps Francis realizes that she owes something to the fans that made her, as she has now agreed to return for the 25th anniversary of Luke and Laura’s wedding. Now obviously I was too young to watch the wedding but when I was turned on to GH in college I was educated on Luke and Laura by both the show and fans. While this return may be short lived and a blatant attempt to raise ratings for a slumping show and a slumping medium, it will still be worth it to see the original supercouple take center stage one last time.

Shake Ups- Regular readers will remember that I heaped praise on season 3 of The OC. Regular readers will also remember that I reported that season 4 could be the best season ever with series creator Josh Schwartz was back at the helm. Sadly ever since Marissa bit the curb, the news has been bad for my fellow Baitshoppers. It started back in early June when the networks set their new schedules and revealed that in addition to CSI, The OC now would be facing Grey’s Anatomy. Contrary to popular belief I don’t think CSI affects The OC’s rating that much since their core audience is over 50. However Grey’s Anatomy does speak to the older demographic of The OC and that spells trouble. So how does Fox respond and show its unwavering support? Well according to published reports yesterday, Fox is showing that they have sooooo much faith in the show that’s they’re ordering up only 16 episodes. That’s about 2/3rds of a season for those who don’t have an abacus handy. Rumors already abound that Fox plans to air all 16 consecutively so that they’ll still have time to put a replacement show in the same time slot at mid-season. Ouch! What was once a show with a bright Summer outlook now looks like it might Volchuk and die.

My Letter to Tori’s Dad

Dear Mr. Spelling,
 
As a fellow human being I was saddened by the news of your passing. Being an avid TV watcher throughout my life you certainly made an impact and while I’ve got some warm memories I fear you might be the man who ruined our summers.
 
Since we are told to respect the dead, first let me heap some praise on you. You certainly were one of the hardest working men in Hollywood.  My 3 listed credits on IMDB.com hardly compare to the 251 accredited to your name including 21 as an actor (?).  I can almost track my life by looking at the shows you produced.  As a 10 year old, I remember becoming infatuated with a TV character for the first time when I was introduced to Love Boat reruns with  Julie the cruise director and the more age appropriate Vikki, daughter of Captain Stubing.  I remember learning that being evil can look cool when the Devil took the form of Ricardo Monteban in a very special episode of Fantasy Island. When Melrose Place came out I remember consciously admitting for the first time that sometimes trash TV can be fun. Of course a big chunk of my personal memories of your shows revolve around Beverly Hills 90210. While I certainly couldn’t always identify with the problems Brandon, Steve, and Dylan faced, it was still nice to see 42 year old men portray the high school experience as I was going through it.  Thanks to the magic that is TV, the crew from West Beverly High actually graduated while I was in college but I’ll never forget that night when we huddled around our dorm and chanted, “Donna Martin graduates, Donna Martin graduates!” Unfortunately 90210 is also were I’ve got a bone to pick with you dead man.
 
Not all of your innovations have made positive impacts on TV and no, I’m not talking about Charmed.  No, I’m referring to the groundbreaking decision you made with FOX to start a whole new season of 90210 during the summer hiatus. Up until that point summer television was a wasteland filled with reruns and sports. Even cable TV was not rolling out new programming. However that summer season of 90210 was a huge success and really was responsible for taking 90210 from a modestly rated show to a pop culture phenomenon. MTV was the first to adapt to this and began to break their programming into summer and fall seasons and soon the rest of the broadcast networks followed. Now you have people spending their summer nights watching Chef Ramsey and Family Guy instead of going to the park or having a backyard bbq. I am not indifferent from this as I recently found myself looking at a DVR schedule that’s almost as full in June as it was in January and that left me damn depressed. So while you may now be in heaven with your Angels Mr. Spelling, you’ve damned us to summers of Hell on earth.

Sincerely,
Elliot the Self Loathing Pop Culture Fanatic

HGH Stands for Hypocrisy Growth Hormone

I was on the road again this weekend making the drive from Madison to Minneapolis and back again and as such listened to a lot of ESPN Radio.  I was surprised on Friday to night to tune in and find the fellas discussing Lance Armstrong.  I could have sworn the all American, cancer surviving, record breaking, ESPY hosting, ex- Mr. Sheryl Crow, had hung up his wheels after winning his 7th straight Tour De France last year.  Well it seems the French newspaper Le Monde is continuing to pursue allegations of doping by Armstrong even in retirement.  Armstrong was dogged by claims that he took human growth hormone (HGH) throughout each of his historic victories and each year he had to deny the charges.  The latest allegation comes from a former teammate who says Armstrong confided in him.  Honestly I could give two shakes about cycling and Lance Armstrong but because the story is being brought to the front burner I began thinking about all the hypocritical idiots these latest charges expose.
 
Hypocritical Idiot #1- Le Monde
It seems that the main motivation for Le Monde’s constant confrontational approach to Armstrong lies in their resentment of an American dominating their national race.  Besides their continued attacks on Armstrong  for doping the paper has a record of decrying everything from his team’s tactics to Lance’s off the “field” behavior.  Wake up call Le Monde, Lance is gone and you’ve got your race back.  Why focus the attention back on him, when you can cover the event and discover a new eurocentric rider to focus your praise on? By covering and promoting this story you continue to detract from the race and the riders which you claim the focus should be on.

Hypocritical Idiot #2- The American Sports Media
Today’s sports media loves steroids. After ignoring them in baseball during Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa’s drive to 61, the media has spent the better part of 3 years making sure we care about steroid use. Barry Bonds, a man who has a lot of hear say and circumstantial evidence stacked against him has been branded a cheater and an embarrassment to the game of baseball despite never having tested positive for an illegal substance. Bonds is not a likable guy in the media and certainly that hasn’t made the coverage any more balanced. However you take Lance Armstrong who has gone through many similar accusations and he is portrayed as a victim. The man is not only likable but is a true hero to many and thus has been given the innocent until proven guilty card while Bonds is stuck with the opposite. Do I think both men cheated at some point? Probably but until there is proof it certainly seems like the Armstrong treatment should spread to all athletes under suspicion.

Hypocritical Idiot #3- The American Sports Fan
Lastly this has exposed a belief I’ve held for a long time about sports fans and steroids and that’s simply that we just don’t care depending on what we can get out of it. Sure we want to clean up all the sports. We want cheating eliminated but we don’t care enough to go back and punish people. Most fans just wish Armstrong, Bonds, and other men under suspicion would either fade into the background but only after we get to bask in their accomplishments. People cheered across the US when Armstrong won a bike race, (a BIKE RACE!), even though he had a cloud of suspicion over him and yes people cheered when Bonds caught and passed Babe Ruth. We all like to feel like we’re watching history and for that moment we are willing to put the causes or reasons for that history out of mind and out of sight.

The Point Game

I have many thoughts this Friday afternoon but none whole enough for its own column. So once again it’s time for the Point Game where I assign positive and negative points to the who’s, what’s, and where’s that are on my mind.

+2: The Hills- My favorite guilty pleasure hit a new high this week when Laguna Beach bad boy Jason returned to the fold. The way this guy gets women to fall all over him is absolutely amazing and his return holds great promise for some serious drama in the weeks to come though likely at Lauren’s expense.

-2: Big Brother 7- Have you heard? This year’s installment of Big Brother is an All Star edition where America chooses the house guests…or so they want you to believe. If you caught the Chenbot on Wednesday night’s special, she subtlety slipped in the fact that America is only choosing half the housemates so CBS clearly will find a way to get their people in.

+4: Timberland- I think I’m getting to the point where I’ll listen to any track this guy produces. From Missy to Nelly Furtado, Timberland can turn any artist platinum. Just look at what happened to Bubba Sparxx when he ventured out on his own. Miss New Booty? Please.

-6: Bunim/Murray Productions- Usually I’ve got nothing but love for the fine folks that have brought us The Real World and Road Rules but this season’s Key West Real World has given me a moment of pause. This season, they’ve sunk to a new casting low by showcasing a young woman, Paula, whose laundry list of issues include, but are not limited to, eating disorders, abused partner syndrome, chemical dependency, and depression. When the producers cast Pedro Zamora back in the San Francisco season I really think they thought showing a man living with AIDS would make for good television AND raise awareness. Furthermore, Pedro was already an AIDS activist who welcomed the opportunity. Here I think they cast a super dysfunctional person just for the sake of good TV. Instead it’s really just sad, because unlike Pedro poor Paula is not self aware of all her issues and while we’ve watched her make some progress she’s so very far from being healthy.

+3: Bunim/Murray Productions- Oh B/M I can’t stay mad at you not when you’ve taken lemons and made tequila infused lemonade. Due to MTV’s questionable decision not to renew Road Rules a few years back, the Real World/Road Rules Challenges have had a smaller pool of players to choose from. As a result, the same 16-20 people seem to show up every challenge. To try and remedy this, the producers brought in a group of newbies to compete on the latest Fresh Meat Challenge. I was skeptical at first but by pairing the new kids with the veterans in teams of two they’ve allowed the game not to come off as a one sided affair…unless your from the Austin RW cast.

-30,000: US Soccer- I don’t think I’m going to let this go anytime soon. What a bunch of lazy lackadaisical sons of bitches! Sure I’ll still watch the Cup and pull for Brazil, Ghana, and England but this was the first time where the US really got me excited about their chances only to lay an ostrich size egg. See ya Bruce Arena it’s been grand.

+2: Trader Joe’s- Two things I need to state off the bat. First, I haven’t tried a lot of food from Joe’s groceries and two, I care about how organic my food is about as much as I care about which type of fat McDonald’s is cooking my fries in. That being said, I must say I’m impressed by this store with its upscale selection and downscale prices. As much as I like cooking as a single male age 18-35, I often slip into easy cooking mode and the selection of frozen and prepped foods at Joe’s made me salivate.

Axl Rose Was Wrong

A quick note today about the evils of patience. While this is only remotely related to pop culture I got's to speak my peace. This week I've gone down two roads one with patience as an excuse and the other with patience as a goal.

Almost two weeks ago I had a phone interview for a job I desperately want in my soon to be new/old home of Minneapolis. The interview went well enough and at the end the nice lady told me to expect a call later the next week about face to face interviews. That would have put me in line for a call last Friday. Well Friday came and went and so did Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and still no call. I decided I must not be getting an interview but to placate my fragile ego I decided they must still be deciding on who to talk with. On the surface I decided I needed to be patient and wait to hear from them. After all I've applied for 23 new jobs and not a single one has gotten past this stage. After speaking with my moms last night I was convinced I was being a gigantic pussy and needed to pick up the phone and call. Guess what? The HR woman has been out of the office all week so perhaps they really haven't gotten to the point of setting up the face to faces. Meanwhile, I've been living in turmoil all week long when a simple call could've somewhat eased my mind. The moral is I used patience as an excuse and it tore me a new one.

Now let's take another exercise in patience I went through today. Today was THE DAY for the US soccer team. Lose go home and set soccer back 8 years in your home country. Win and maybe still come home but with your heads a little higher. I woke up jazzed for this and extremely pissed because I actually had responsibilities at my dead duck job I couldn't get out of. So I broke out the DVR and decided I'd be patient and not ruin the game until I got home and watched it in it's entirety. Do any of you know how hard this is? I had to stay off e-mail, internet, radio, and TV all day long. For a mass media junkie like myself that's pure torture. I had a couple of near misses. When I went on my first break of the day a coworker bounced up in annoying fashion clearly with soccer on his mind. The guy's french and loves to talk up both futbol and football with me. Needing a quick escape I ducked into another cube and started up a conversation with whoever happened to be there about how great that tomorrow was Friday, and other mind numbing work topics. Later when I hit the road for my lunch break I engaged in a game of chicken. No, I wasn't street racing like those hot rods from Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift (really, there's an audience for that), I was listening to the radio. When I got in the car I realized I had left the sports talk radio station on from my drive in but instead of switching it off I actually listened for about 2 minutes since they were talking about how Chicago's favorite bigot Ozzie Guillen had shot his mouth off again. Once I saw the clock turn towards 40 minutes on the hour I knew a Sports Center was coming up so out came the iPod. So after being completely patient and ignorant of the results I came home about 2 hours ago and watched the game. How was I rewarded? With another lackluster performance by the American's including a massive choke of a play by our Captain and another no show by the pretty boy Landon Donovan. Fuck! I'm starting to think there's nothing wrong with our instant gratification society because whether patience is used for evil or for good it's clearly for the birds.

The Robert Numbers Consortium

I’m currently going through a job search due to my upcoming move. Job searches tend to remind us of careers missed, wasted, or lost. Usually I tend to think about my early dreams of being a teacher or a small town sports journalist but lately my mind has focused on my dream job: professional band namer.

Now you might be unfamiliar with the position of professional band namer, and the best explanation I can offer is that it is exactly what it sounds like. I would like to be a consultant to music groups when they begin that critical search for a name. Of course this job is usually headed up by the band itself or some marketing idiot at a record label but in my head it seems like a completely legitimate calling. I can also say it is one that’s desperately needed.

Take Supergroup, VH1’s latest “Celebreality” show, where one rock and roll legend and 4 other moderately successful guys try to form a new band in only 12 days. The show itself is pretty entertaining but it has been incredibly frustrating to watch the band members pick a name. Let’s take a look at some of the names they’ve gone through and what’s wrong with them:

Supergroup- Duh! You might as well call yourselves Corporate Puppets.
Raw Dog- Sounds like a new energy drink or some kind of dehydrated meat.
Fist- Not bad if you want a dated name and concept for a dated bunch of musicians.
God War- Out of all their ideas this was the best name but it was a completely wrong fit considering the actual band members.
Savage Animal- 80’s hair metal called and said they want this name back.

And the one the band decided on:
Damnocracy- If you’re going to come up with a name that indirectly references one of your band mate’s former projects, (Damn Yankees) this was probably the best one considering the other choice of Skidocracy.

Me, I would have gone with a name that disguises the fact that you’re all established rock stars forming a supergroup. The best supergroup names don’t draw attention to themselves such as The Traveling Wilburys. I’d go with something like The Ronald Numbers Consortium. It’s mysterious, it abbreviates nicely, and as Sebastian Bach is so fond of saying, it rolls off the tongue.

In my heart of hearts I know I could make a difference. Everyday there are new bands being formed in garages and basements across the country and for every quality name chose there are hundreds of poor ones. Next time you’re reading your local weekly paper take a look at the music listings and witness the spectacularly bad names that are sprouting up in your town. Unfortunately, as it always has been, the market seems to be so small for professional band namer positions that it’s almost nonexistent.

What I'm...

…Renting.
Entourage: Season 2- This was a very interesting show to watch in the wake of May sweeps from a storyline point of view. In fact, it was almost jarring to see a TV show wrap up a storyline in one season. Sure there are dangling plots which, thanks to my lack of HBO, I won’t catch up on until this next year, but in this age where your average storyline can span 2 to 3 seasons this was rather refreshing. Besides the tight plotting, the actors really hit their stride in season 2. When I watched season 1, I thought it took about 2 or 3 episodes before this group of friends really felt like a family. Season 2 is all about the guys truly realizing their friendship makes them family. The whole cast is on top of their game especially Kevin Dillon and Jeremy Ferrera who bring unexpected depth to seemingly one dimensional roles. Entourage has turned into the kind of series where you regret renting it and not buying the DVDs.

…Buying.
Venture Brothers: Season 1- I’ve been a fan of Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network but I’m not a religious watcher. Some shows have completely slipped my radar including Venture Brothers. I think I caught the pilot but was relatively unimpressed. Now everyone and their mothers have been touting the season 1 DVDs as the must have release of early summer. After reading reviews from enough places I trust, I went out and picked it up. My first reaction was anger. The first four episodes left me so pissed off at myself because I wasn’t getting it. I could see why everyone loved it; a perfectly twisted take on Johnny Quest plus a dash of the kind of diluted super villains you’d find in The Tick (no surprise, Tick creator Ben Edlund pops up in the credits here and there). The animation and voice talents were also top notch especially Patrick Warburton. By episode 6 or so I was about ready to give up when it clicked for me. The rest of the episodes were great and I’m guessing if I go back and watch the first few I’ll feel the same way. Maybe I had some sand in my crotch but for whatever reason this show should come with a “takes a while to love” sticker on the cover.

…Reading.
Play: The New York Times Sports Magazine- Last weekend I received a copy of this publication, which up until that moment I was completely ignorant of. Consider me ignorant no longer. As a supplement to the Sunday Times, Play reads like a top notch sports mag. It’s clearly not meant to replace the sports page as it doesn’t have recaps or game stories, but rather previews and columns. From a great story on Brazil and Ronaldhino to a somewhat depressing story on youth travel league baseball, this was a great read front to back. The pretentiousness you expect from the Times only rears its head in a couple of places such as their ideal golf weekend travel bag or their inclusion of Ivy League professors yapping about the science of Torii Hunter’s great fielding abilities. You can find most of the articles on the Times website.

…Watching…For Now.
Making the Band 3- In typical self loathing form I must admit I’ve watched most of the show since Diddy took over in season 2. In fact in a move I probably should not admit publicly, I even bought Da Band’s CD from season 2. Wow, I feel dirty just admitting that. Anyway “series 3” of season 3 tipped off last night and it was very underwhelming. The best “series” of season 2 was when the band was formed and recording their album so the bar is set high for the girls of season 3 as they go through the same process. If the first episode is any indication they’ll fail to reach that bar. The only burning question I was left with is will Aubrey become so skinny that she disappears when she turns sideways?

…Listening To.
Top 5 on My iPod
1. Tainted Love- Soft Cell (After hearing that infernal Rhianna song that sampled this classic over and over again, I picked up the original which unlike many 80’s classics still sounds fresh and new.)
2. Hip Don’t Lie- Shakira (If you know me personally you’re probably wondering why this didn’t appear sooner. Truth is I got turned off to the song thanks to its overexposure. Still when I sat down and listened to the whole thing, I gotta give credit to Shakira and Wyclef for a damn good song. Now if I can just resist the allure of Miss Aguilera’s new track.)
3. Complicated- Avril Lavigne (Heard this the other day in a friend’s car and it prompted me to pull it out of the mothballs and back into heavy rotation. She may be a prepackaged label alternative girl but Avril does have some talent that comes through on songs like this.)
4. Fuzzy Pink Handcuffs- Dillinger Four (An old song by probably my favorite band of the last ten years. It slipped back into my iTunes list after the news that D4 may finally release a new album this October. The song itself is classic D4 putting the p back in punk.)
5. Gone Daddy Gone- Gnarls Barkley (I’m begging you people to give these guys a listen if you haven’t already. Album of the summer, no doubt.)

Fear the Reaper, Especially When He Has Feathers

Quick trivia time: What experience over the last few days caused me to have thoughts of my future death?

A) Standing too close to exploding cars.
B) Drinking one to many beers.
C) Drinking one to many shots.
D) Smoking one to many cigarettes.
E) Eating a KFC Mashed Potato Bowl.

While all the answers were true events that happened to me over the past few days, only D caused me to recognize my own mortality.

The KFC Mashed Potato Bowl debuted on our TV screens about a month ago. If you’ve somehow managed to miss the ad, we’re talking about a bowl of mashed potatoes topped with buttered corn, popcorn chicken, gravy, and a 3 cheese blend. At first I was disgusted, how could you combine all these ingredients and expect someone to eat them? Ten seconds later, my thoughts changed to how good each ingredient tastes and how the combination could be divine. My third reaction was one of confusion as I could not understand why KFC would release the ultimate comfort food in the middle of summer. Either way I could feel my heart clench up a little as I watched.

A few days after being introduced to the bowl via advertising I discussed it with my mother. Now I don’t necessarily consider my mother to be very worldly when it comes to fast food, so I was shocked when she expressed her awareness of the bowl. The shock continued to mount when she mentioned that she’d like to try it as well. Like most children I try to ignore or dismiss most parental advice but this time I took her words to heart. Hell, if my mom thinks it’s worth jumping off the bridge then perhaps I should.

So now flash forward to Monday. After experiencing a weekend full of exploding cars, alcohol, and cigarettes, I was looking towards a day of rest and relaxation. I exited work early to view the US World Cup match and started thinking about picking up lunch on the way home. Nothing sounded good in my head until I got off the highway near my home and saw a gleaming KFC in my field of vision.

Here was my moment of truth, do I dare sample “heart attack in a bowl” or do I keep driving and cook up some rice and veggies at home? My steering wheel made the initial turn towards KFC. My heart quickened as I drove to the window and placed my order. “I’ll take one of the….KFC Bowls,” I said with a quiver in my voice. “$4.21, please pull ahead,” replied the female drive thru voice. As I pulled forward, I could have sworn she added, “If you dare.” My mind raced as I searched my glove compartment for exact change, and thought about what I was preparing to consume. I handed the drive thru girl my money and in turn she handed me a hefty brown paper sack. Had I just mistakenly made a drug pick up? I looked back up at the girl but the drive thru window was already closed and the restaurant appeared to have gone dark. Sweating and now somewhat terrified, I peered inside the bag. Inside there was soft cheddar like glow coming from underneath a clear plastic lid. My terror was subsiding and my curiosity was once again peaked. I closed the bag knowing soon I’d be home, and I’d have all my questions answered.

Like a whirling dervish I entered my apartment, flipped on my TV, grabbed a pop, and settled into my couch anticipating my bowl and the soccer match. Sadly I quickly discovered the US was already down 1-0 against the Czechs so my hopes now rested on the plastic bowl in front of me. I opened it up and saw gravy and cheese dominating the landscape. Knowing that the chicken, corn, and potatoes must be under there somewhere I took my complimentary spork and dove in still somewhat dubious of what the final results would be.

My memories of the next 10 minutes are blurry but as Buffy Summers once said, “I think I was in heaven.” The two clearest memories I have were thinking that surprisingly the cheese works with everything and also, that this food might just be the end of me. Seriously it was that good. It was so good I saw my future flash before my eyes and it included a heavier version of me slumped over a steering wheel with gravy and cheese stuck in my goatee. Needless to say it was not a pretty sight. So it is with heavy heart that I must warn you all to stay away from the KFC Mashed Potato Bowl for a fear it may be the death of us all. I’ve been clean for 24 hours now, but I know that trying to stay bowl free will be a battle I fight every day for the rest of m

The Point Game: MTV Movie Awards Edition

Here’s a riddle for you: When is an awards show not an awards show?
Answer: When it’s the MTV Movie Awards.

Last night MTV televised its 15th annual Movie Awards. I say televised because the actual show was taped last Sunday night. This means you could find out about the winners days before the broadcast. What other awards show would get away with that? The truth is no one cares about the actual awards. The winners are informed ahead of time that they’ve won a Golden Popcorn just to ensure they attend. Like its sister show, the MTV Video Music Awards, this event is about celebrity gawking, over the top musical performances, and a bunch of, hopefully funny, skits and sketches. The VMAs still cling to some awards show legitimacy by placing some value on the actual awards but the Movie Awards throw it all out the window and you know what, that’s just fine by me. Every year these “awards’ are entertaining, so in honor of the show, here’s the Point Game: MTV Movie Awards edition. (In case you missed the show, don’t worry I’m guessing it’s on at least 3 times this weekend.)

+3: The Categories. One of the fun things about the show are the categories. If you suspend the belief that this is a true awards show then you can enjoy things like Best Kiss, Best Hero, and Best Onscreen Team. Plus the Movie Awards are the rare occasion where men and women regularly compete against each other.

+4: Gnarls Barkley, AFI, and X-tina: As per usual MTV provided us with a cornucopia of musical acts that were all solid. Barkley stole the show for me though with their Star Wars themed performance.

-6: Jimmy Fallon and Andy Dick. Does MTV have a lifetime contract with these guys? Seriously enough is enough. The DaVinci Code sketch was overwritten and unfunny except for the ending which was salvaged by the incomparable Gary Cole.

+1: Jessica Alba. Who would have guessed she had the balls to pull this off? She was trapped in some pretty bad sketches such as the one mentioned above and still managed to show some great comic chops. Her actual standing and talking abilities could use a little polish though.

-4: For the lack of celebrity supercouples. No Vaughniston. No Brangelina. No Bennifer Version 2.0. Not even an appearance from Filliam H Muffman.

-2: Christian Bale. Apparently no one told the Dark Knight which award show he was at, as he proceeded with an acceptance speech that would be more at home on Oscar night.

+2: Steve Carrell for his acceptance speech. I don’t know if his intoxicating wife Nancy wrote this one like she did the Golden Globes, but we must continue giving Carrell awards if only to hear the speeches.

-3: Will Ferrell. His Ricky Bobby act was not up to par last night and actually soured me a little on the movie. It didn’t help that the camera cut to him every 30 seconds.

+3: Will Ferrell. Once Will got out of costume to introduce Jim Carey for some kind of lifetime achievement award, we got the Will we know and love as he proceeded to give a venomous intro to Carey.

+ 32: Sam Jackson. Speaking of venom, how about the love that Sam has for his film Snakes on a Plane? Note only was he sporting a sweet SoaP shirt but the man genuinely seems pumped about the flick. I’m looking forward to a SoaP sweep at next year’s show.

Cleaning Out My Closets

I’m moving at the end of July and while I’m not quite motivated to the point of real packing, I have been going through old “keepsake” boxes. It’s been a painful journey that has reminded me how truly idiotic the folly of pop culture worship can be no matter what the age.



Take for example my box of grade school materials. Right on top was a creative writing project about the BBC sci-fi hit Dr. Who. It’s hard to quantify just how geeky I was in 5th and 6th grade when it came to Dr. Who. My mom, who had never knitted learned how just so I could have a 12 ft scarf like the Doctor’s. I attended 3 conventions, including one with my 6th grade sweetheart with, which surprisingly marked a high point in our “relationship”. While I’ve acknowledged my Whovian past, it wasn’t until I came face to face with it that I realized how utterly it dominated my early life.



Moving on to my high school box I found two lists that some friends had put together about me: 100 Athletes Who Elliot Jocks (for those not familiar, jock meant I was fanatical to the point of starry eyed adoration) and 100 Women Elliot Jocks. On the sports list you had Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco near the top of the list. I couldn’t tell you why I liked them especially since I never remember being a fan. Then again right next to their names there is a Bash Brother’s logo that’s clearly in my handwriting. The list of ladies was slightly more disturbing. It was comprised of celebrities with a few of my high school peers thrown in. I’m guessing if I’d known my classmate Genevieve would go on to become a basic cable superstar on Trading Spaces she would have ranked higher then 12. However celebrities topped the list and number 1 was Jennifer Capriati. At this point she had already been busted once or twice for shoplifting and/or drugs yet she was still my most desirable female. I was surprised to see this as I didn’t think I started falling for substance abusing criminals until my college days.



Naturally since my college years are somewhat fresh in my mind I didn’t expect any embarrassing or surprising memories to pop out of there. I figure any lost memories were killed off many brain cells ago. Sadly while cleaning things out my hopes were dashed when I came across an unsent letter to some high school friends. Much to my dismay I discovered the entire first verse of MC Hammer’s Pumps N Da Bumps, in the margin. In case you don’t recognize the title, this is not classic Hammer or Can’t Touch This Hammer; this isn’t even 2 Legit 2 Quit Hammer. This is “hardcore” Hammer as he made one last desperate attempt to stay relevant. Seeing this prompted memories of actually purchasing the single, the album, and hanging a free poster in my room in my junior year. That’s 1995 people!



I guess my point here is that those of us in our late 20’s/early 30’s, who rip the “kids” for their American Idol, their Lindsey Lohan, and their Tiara Girls, need to check ourselves every so often. I’m not saying we should take an introspective look so that we can ease up on the youth of today. Heavens no, I think this kind of self realization only makes our critiques that much sweeter because we know in 10 to 15 years they’ll be just as mortified as us. Plus I’m secure in the knowledge that it doesn’t stop there; 10 years from now I’ll be looking back at the blog and wonder who Heidi was and what the fuck were The Hills.

The Hills Are Alive With Sounds of Maturity

Ever seen one of those signs that read, genius at work? I’m starting up a collection right now to buy one and send it off to Lauren (aka LC) of The Hills. Last week I commented on how she always came off as one of the smartest of the Laguna Beach crowd, well now next to her new Hills friends she’s coming off like Albert frickin’ Einstein. Not only that, but she’s actually making responsible choices. She ditched her friends and went home before bar time because she had school in the morning. When facing the music for allowing her friends to crash the Teen Vogue party she took complete blame (at least on camera). To top it off she’s so responsible now that she got pissed at her roommate Heidi’s decision to drop out of fashion school. Meanwhile Heidi is clearly the breakout star or breakout dumb rich girl of the show. How could you not hate/love her as she proudly told Lauren that at age 19 she’s got her dream job and she even gets a real lunch break? A big part of me was jealous at her incredible naiveté and simplicity as she went from being hung up on by her best friend one moment to skipping down the street the next. Viva La Hills!

6 6 6

In honor of the mark of the beast, I thought I’d list a few signs of the apocalypse that have come to my attention this 6th day of the 6th month of the 6th year (of the 21st century).

6. The Omen remake. Based on the reviews and the previews this looks like another horrible remake. In this case the filmmakers have no excuse. They should have started planning for this at least 6 years ago after the world didn’t end at the millennium and they knew we’d see a 6/6/06.

6. 7th Heaven brought back by the CW after being cancelled. Talk about resurrections; could this be the modern day equivalent of Jesus coming back to Earth?

6. Dwayne Roloson injures himself in game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals and misses the chance to tie Grant Fuhr’s record of consecutive playoff starts by 1 game. Makes me think the ghost of Fuhr was in the rafters last night or a living Fuhr covered in cocaine.

6. Kristin C. of Laguna Beach fame rumored to play Daisy Duke in sequel to Dukes of Hazard. Now the sign of the apocalypse is not Kristin’s acting, but the fact that they’re making a sequel to The Dukes of Hazard.

6. MTV airs reality show, Fast Inc, that’s actually centered around people older then 21. Of course the show sucks so either it will be off the air in no time or become the network’s biggest hit ever.

6. Stone Phillips defeats Stephen Colbert in gravitas off. It’s always hard to see your heroes fall but especially so on their 100th show.

What I'm...

…Renting.
Shopgirl- Have you ever seen a movie that’s perfect in every way except one? Has that one flaw been so bad that it ruins the experience for you? This happened to me on Saturday when I watched Shopgirl on DVD. I found the cast to be as good as advertised and I must say in retrospect that Claire Danes got robbed of an Oscar by that prissy southern peach Reese Witherspoon. Danes has always been a favorite of mine since her days chasing Jordan Catalono on My So Called Life, but here she really shines by mixing an innocent beauty with a seductive sexiness. Steve Martin is playing the emotionally detached older man role that Bill Murray has perfected over the last few years, and he does so quite well. The writing is sharp, the cinematography beautiful, and the direction is tight. So what could possibly be wrong with this flick? Answer: the music. The score makes the opening scenes seem more like 5 hours then 5 minutes. It is so overly dramatic that it single handedly ruins the film. Befuddled, I watched the making of documentary to see if they talked about the score and the director literally beams with pride over the composer. He says it really ties everything together. In my humble opinion it ties everything together with a piece of barbed wire that tears at the fabric of the movie. I was literally cringing every time I heard the music rear it’s head on the audio track. Sometimes you’ll rent a DVD that features a music only option for the audio; well this one needs a dialogue only option.

…Watching.
The Henry Rollins Show- If you have the IFC channel then I strongly suggest you fire up the TiVo. Rollins mixes interviews, music performances, and monologues that you’d expect to catch at one of his live spoken word shows, to produce a fine 23 minutes of television. Sure there are some things to nitpick such as the way Rollins and his guest walk out to the couch every week before starting the interview or the fact that something called Heidi May seems to have no discernable value as the “music host”. But all in all Rollins gets good guests (PT Anderson, Patton Oswalt), good bands (Aimee Mann, Death Cab) and brings the funny painful truth every week.

…Playing.
FIFI World Cup 2006 (Gamecube)- After writing my column on the upcoming Cup last week and watching a countdown to the Cup special, I was jonesing for some action. What better way to satisfy that then by picking up a video game that perfectly emulates the Cup experience (short of hooligans, racists, fascists, and soccer fans in general)? I haven’t bought a video game in almost a year and had pretty much decided I’d outgrown them in general. Guess again. While I don’t think this game will make me run out and buy another new game anytime soon, it does remind me that a good sports simulation is second to none.

…Listening To.
Top 5 on My iPod
1. Promiscuous- Nelly Furtado (Try as I might I can’t shake this song, but I can shake my thang.)

2. Leavin’- Jag Star (Okay settle in for a long story. About a month ago MTV debuted a trailer for The Hills, the latest Laguna Beach guilty pleasure. At the end of the trailer there was the catchy girly pop track that caught my ear. On the premiere last Wednesday the song was featured again at the end of the “this season on the Hills preview”. I was determined to find the song. I searched probable song titles based on the 20 seconds heard in the trailer. I did lyric searches on various websites. I even sampled various songs on iTunes by the usual suspects, Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, AJ & Aly, etc. With no luck I crossed the line that no 32 year old man should ever admit to. I joined a Laguna Beach message board. My action seemed to reward me when right on the front page of the board was a topic entitled, “Song from the trailer.” After reading through the various threads I was directed to an artist on iTunes and their song Leavin’. Strangely the song was not available for preview so I had to buy it notes unheard. Turns out it was the song from the original Hills preview back in November. Still it’s not a bad track and since I paid for it I’m getting my monies worth. To top it off, no one still seems to know the track from the trailer. I’ve found many a post on the subject and still no answers.)

3. Steady As She Goes- Raconteurs
Jack White’s latest endeavor is deserving of the hype, or at least this song is. Really, what can’t this guy do?

4. Dancing With Myself- The Donnas
While searching for my Hills track I came across this cover off of the Ice Princess soundtrack. Funny place I know, but this is a great cover that’s worth picking up.

5. Crooked Teeth- Death Cab for Cutie
I know this songs been out for awhile, but it’s a perfect summer song and one of the Cabs lighter tracks.

Ole' Ole' Ole' Ole' Ole' Ole'

As far as four year sporting events go there is one undisputed king. Most people would assume it’s the summer Olympics but they’d be wrong. Delusional ice dancing fans might think it’s the winter Olympics but they’d be double wrong. Others might be checking their Sports Almanacs to see if the Ryder Cup or World Hockey Championships are every four years. I’m hear to tell you to put down the books and walk into the light because the answer is simple….it’s World Cup time babies!

Now I've never been a soccer enthusiast. I firmly believe it will never truly catch on with the American public no matter how many Mia Hamms and Freddy Adus come along. You’ll never catch me watching the MLS or the Fox Futbol Channel on my digital cable. In fact, even in my glory days as the highest scoring defenseman in the history of 5th grade YMCA youth soccer, I was much happier to talk about other sports.

It was with this mindset that I stumbled across the Cup about 8 years ago. I had just come into Madison visiting some friends and was immediately whisked to a bar. Now normally that’s not out of the place for me, even at 10am on a Thursday, but the fact that my buddies were so gung ho was a bit of a shock. We walked into a sports bar and it was packed to the ceiling with people wearing jerseys and face paint that you’d expect at an NFL game. Apparently I’d come to town on the day of a key game for Brazil, a country and team some of my friends had a close connection to. By the end of the day, much beer was drunk and many chants chanted. How could anyone see the passion by the teams and their fans and not be a convert to the church of the Cup? By the end of that tourney I had favorite teams, favorite players and an unquenchable thirst for the next World Cup. Unfortunately four years can kill a thirst. Try as I did everyday soccer still didn’t do it for me and again soccer was off my brain.

By the time the 2002 Cup rolled around I was not in prime viewing mode. I had just lost my father to a brain tumor and was well on my way to the end of a doomed marriage, when I came across a match at 3 in the morning (the games were live from Asia). I can honestly say that besides my friends, the only other thing that kept me sane in June 2002 was late night World Cup soccer. Perhaps it was my irrational state of being at the time, but for me the Cup transcended soccer that summer. I still didn’t understand formations or strategy but in a way the game opened up in a new way where I at least saw how things developed. I wouldn't go as far as to say I discoved a tao of World Cup but there was something calming and exciting all at once watching that Cup. So after 2002, I resolved to try to give non Cup soccer another chance.

Well, four years later and I’m still pretty much a non soccer fan. I did start watching the qualifiers for the World Cup that were on but other then that not much else changed. But you know what, once June 9th rolls around that won’t matter. I’ll be glued to my TV, although hopefully at more reasonable hours, cheering on the US and the Brazilians. The Cup is truly something special and while I think soccer well never catch on in the US, perhaps the Cup can as we do seem to have an affinity for 4 year events.

Thursday Random Thoughts

* So The Hills premiered last night and I think it was a smashing success. Lauren (LC) was always the most likable and intelligent of the Laguna Beach crowd. Last night she even used a Seinfeld reference, even though she referred to George as the bald guy. Her new found friends more then make up for her lack of intelligence and it looks like drama will ensue. Plus, everyone's favorite bad boy, Jason from the LB, looks like he’s on the horizon so that’s something to keep watching for.

* Saw X-Men 3 today and I’m not sure what all the piss and vinegar are about. It’s not as good as the second one but it sure holds up. I’m a big X-Men fan and I do tend to recoil when the mythology from the books is fowled up but I thought the film did the characters justice. There were just enough fanboy moments (like the fastball special) for me to get my geek on. Biggest complaint is that it felt like they crammed two movies into one and that they set the stage for a crappy sequel centered around the x-babies.

* I think there might be real money in starting up a religion based on Brangelina’s baby. You’ve already got a predestined anti christ in Tomkat’s kid. Brooke Shields and Gwen Stefani’s kids could be the disciples cause we all know they don’t have the celebrity DNA to start their own following. You could call it the Church of Smith after the film where her parents got the whole thing started. Just a thought.
 
* After my column yesterday about not being excited about Celebrity Poker Showdown, I did end up watching the show and I’m glad I did if only to see the complete disaster that is Phil Helmuth.  Clearly the poker brat is trying to rehab his image but instead we get this robot with a cheesy smile who laughs about 3 minutes late to Dave Foley’s jokes.  And the hair, are you kidding me? Perhaps the overexposure won’t kill poker, but Helmuth’s hair might.