The Robert Numbers Consortium

I’m currently going through a job search due to my upcoming move. Job searches tend to remind us of careers missed, wasted, or lost. Usually I tend to think about my early dreams of being a teacher or a small town sports journalist but lately my mind has focused on my dream job: professional band namer.

Now you might be unfamiliar with the position of professional band namer, and the best explanation I can offer is that it is exactly what it sounds like. I would like to be a consultant to music groups when they begin that critical search for a name. Of course this job is usually headed up by the band itself or some marketing idiot at a record label but in my head it seems like a completely legitimate calling. I can also say it is one that’s desperately needed.

Take Supergroup, VH1’s latest “Celebreality” show, where one rock and roll legend and 4 other moderately successful guys try to form a new band in only 12 days. The show itself is pretty entertaining but it has been incredibly frustrating to watch the band members pick a name. Let’s take a look at some of the names they’ve gone through and what’s wrong with them:

Supergroup- Duh! You might as well call yourselves Corporate Puppets.
Raw Dog- Sounds like a new energy drink or some kind of dehydrated meat.
Fist- Not bad if you want a dated name and concept for a dated bunch of musicians.
God War- Out of all their ideas this was the best name but it was a completely wrong fit considering the actual band members.
Savage Animal- 80’s hair metal called and said they want this name back.

And the one the band decided on:
Damnocracy- If you’re going to come up with a name that indirectly references one of your band mate’s former projects, (Damn Yankees) this was probably the best one considering the other choice of Skidocracy.

Me, I would have gone with a name that disguises the fact that you’re all established rock stars forming a supergroup. The best supergroup names don’t draw attention to themselves such as The Traveling Wilburys. I’d go with something like The Ronald Numbers Consortium. It’s mysterious, it abbreviates nicely, and as Sebastian Bach is so fond of saying, it rolls off the tongue.

In my heart of hearts I know I could make a difference. Everyday there are new bands being formed in garages and basements across the country and for every quality name chose there are hundreds of poor ones. Next time you’re reading your local weekly paper take a look at the music listings and witness the spectacularly bad names that are sprouting up in your town. Unfortunately, as it always has been, the market seems to be so small for professional band namer positions that it’s almost nonexistent.