Fear the Reaper, Especially When He Has Feathers

Quick trivia time: What experience over the last few days caused me to have thoughts of my future death?

A) Standing too close to exploding cars.
B) Drinking one to many beers.
C) Drinking one to many shots.
D) Smoking one to many cigarettes.
E) Eating a KFC Mashed Potato Bowl.

While all the answers were true events that happened to me over the past few days, only D caused me to recognize my own mortality.

The KFC Mashed Potato Bowl debuted on our TV screens about a month ago. If you’ve somehow managed to miss the ad, we’re talking about a bowl of mashed potatoes topped with buttered corn, popcorn chicken, gravy, and a 3 cheese blend. At first I was disgusted, how could you combine all these ingredients and expect someone to eat them? Ten seconds later, my thoughts changed to how good each ingredient tastes and how the combination could be divine. My third reaction was one of confusion as I could not understand why KFC would release the ultimate comfort food in the middle of summer. Either way I could feel my heart clench up a little as I watched.

A few days after being introduced to the bowl via advertising I discussed it with my mother. Now I don’t necessarily consider my mother to be very worldly when it comes to fast food, so I was shocked when she expressed her awareness of the bowl. The shock continued to mount when she mentioned that she’d like to try it as well. Like most children I try to ignore or dismiss most parental advice but this time I took her words to heart. Hell, if my mom thinks it’s worth jumping off the bridge then perhaps I should.

So now flash forward to Monday. After experiencing a weekend full of exploding cars, alcohol, and cigarettes, I was looking towards a day of rest and relaxation. I exited work early to view the US World Cup match and started thinking about picking up lunch on the way home. Nothing sounded good in my head until I got off the highway near my home and saw a gleaming KFC in my field of vision.

Here was my moment of truth, do I dare sample “heart attack in a bowl” or do I keep driving and cook up some rice and veggies at home? My steering wheel made the initial turn towards KFC. My heart quickened as I drove to the window and placed my order. “I’ll take one of the….KFC Bowls,” I said with a quiver in my voice. “$4.21, please pull ahead,” replied the female drive thru voice. As I pulled forward, I could have sworn she added, “If you dare.” My mind raced as I searched my glove compartment for exact change, and thought about what I was preparing to consume. I handed the drive thru girl my money and in turn she handed me a hefty brown paper sack. Had I just mistakenly made a drug pick up? I looked back up at the girl but the drive thru window was already closed and the restaurant appeared to have gone dark. Sweating and now somewhat terrified, I peered inside the bag. Inside there was soft cheddar like glow coming from underneath a clear plastic lid. My terror was subsiding and my curiosity was once again peaked. I closed the bag knowing soon I’d be home, and I’d have all my questions answered.

Like a whirling dervish I entered my apartment, flipped on my TV, grabbed a pop, and settled into my couch anticipating my bowl and the soccer match. Sadly I quickly discovered the US was already down 1-0 against the Czechs so my hopes now rested on the plastic bowl in front of me. I opened it up and saw gravy and cheese dominating the landscape. Knowing that the chicken, corn, and potatoes must be under there somewhere I took my complimentary spork and dove in still somewhat dubious of what the final results would be.

My memories of the next 10 minutes are blurry but as Buffy Summers once said, “I think I was in heaven.” The two clearest memories I have were thinking that surprisingly the cheese works with everything and also, that this food might just be the end of me. Seriously it was that good. It was so good I saw my future flash before my eyes and it included a heavier version of me slumped over a steering wheel with gravy and cheese stuck in my goatee. Needless to say it was not a pretty sight. So it is with heavy heart that I must warn you all to stay away from the KFC Mashed Potato Bowl for a fear it may be the death of us all. I’ve been clean for 24 hours now, but I know that trying to stay bowl free will be a battle I fight every day for the rest of m