RIP: The Britney Spears Dance 1998-2006

I know that most of you who frequent the blog will see that headline and either cheer or shed a single tear.

Yes the time has come for this 32 year old man to stop performing his dance routine to Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time." Most of you are probably thinking, "Thank God, he's come to his senses and moved on." Actually the retirement of the dance has more to do with Britney then myself. Like many guys when Britney came on the scene I stopped and took notice for a second. Sure her music was bubble gum pop and I listened to mostly rap and punk at the time but somehow I was able to look past that and see her true talent...to fool all of us into thinking she had talent.

Over time Britney and I developed a fan/superstar relationship. Around Xmas 1998 I took the time to pick up the "Hit Me..." single. Inside the single was a trading card which revealed that Britney and I shared the same birthday (although we were a few years apart) which only strengthened our bond. I don't remember when I broke out the dance for the first time but pretty soon a regular part of my Friday-Sunday drink-a-thon was performing a dance based on the "Hit Me.." video with a few improvisations thrown in. My friends thought it was the stupidest thing they'd ever seen and thus encouraged it. At one point the dance was even videotaped which captured one of the few duet performances of the song (much to the regret of my overzealous dance partner).

Eventually the dance became less of a ritual and was only pulled out for special occasions like wedding or karaoke. In the mean time Britney grew up and had a slew of other singles. Sure there was a brief dalliance with "OOPS I Did It Again", but by the time "Toxic" came out, I knew there was only one dance for me. Honestly at this point it was like second nature despite the fact it was usually only done 2 or 3 times a year.

Since Britney began career and personal suicide by embracing her white trash side, I've held out hope that she'll return to her previous role as an entertaining untalented superstar but unfortunately she seems committed to live out her life as a fat trailer park lady (even though she'll live in the nicest trailer ever).

Saturday night I pulled out the dance at my best friend's wedding. There were a fair amount of folks that had seen it before and many who had not. As usual the dance reached out to everyone's desire to laugh and cheer my hopeless yet committed performance. Sunday morning came and I got many compliments and word that yet again I've been videotaped. On the drive home I reflected on the evening, particularly the dancing. I'm no one trick pony and on this night I danced my literal ass off (it's 2 days later and I still can't sit down or stand up without some pain). So I've decided that until Britney comes back, which I realize may be never, I am retiring the dance as a form of silent or my aptly still protest.

What's next for me? Well there's always the dance routine from the final scene of Footloose, plus I'm still trying to embrace my inner Beyonce so that's a possibility. In the meantime, if you come across a video of a handsome devil in a tux crawling across a ball room floor, take a moment and reflect on the loss not only of my dance but of Britney the non-talented entertainer extraordinare.